Russell & Kimmy

Some mornings it would be easier to raise the dead than get me out of bed. This was one of those mornings. No matter how hard I tried the bed just kept pulling me back in. It was like some B rated horror movie with tentacles except instead of trying to devour me, the bed lulled me to a comfy sleep. It was the perfect morning; until the thrice damned alarm clock started screaming in my ear.

Nothing ruins the morning like a shrieky alarm clock.

And nothing keeps the morning ruined like a selfish jerk. In this case it was the “souped up” Dodge that required not one but two parking spots. What was really irritating was I had to park farther out. If we didn’t have a security guard I would be tempted to show him/her how irrationally irritated I was. I bet I could have crammed my Mazda next to that pretty little blue Dodge. Its people like that who ruin America. They should be dragged into the street and savaged by feral chihuahuas.

And even when your day seems like its getting better fate likes to remind you that its really out to get you.. EvilCandyBar was having a wretched day and fate tagged him. It was a little love slap to remind us that something horrible has our number and its going to call. I guess that’s what I get for working in a call center.

And I had such a fun weekend. I got to meet Matthew Sturges at the 20th Anniversary of Dragon’s Lair. He writes a comic book called Jack of Fables. I got a signed copy of issue #1 and #2. Even better I got a preview of issue #3. Its a great story and if you haven’t read it yet or seen it, go to Dragon’s Lair and buy it. Or else I will send hungry cannibals to your house. And this time they won’t be looking for Pirates.

Ever wonder what would happen if Tommy Vercetti could kick back, relax and enjoy a coke?

It even made me smile.

I had a great thought this morning while in the shower; I am an old man. And like all old men I like to reflect upon my life and let hindsight beat me like a red-headed step child. I close my eyes and drift upon the empty sea far from shore; watching all the opportunities flit by me like fish. Each fish is a failure, something that should have been caught but wasn’t. I yearn for a stick of dynamite. And sadly I am an old man who has lost his pole, unable to catch these fish. Eagerly I thrust my hands in the water, until I snag my prize. And like Hemingway’s old man, I struggle and pull at my prize eager to reel it in. But the fish is too big; it wears me down, strains my muscles. Failure looms and I wonder if I can ever master this fish or is it too another lost opportunity. The oar, I will beat it with the oar. Then the sea is gone, the shower is done and as the last of the water sluices down the drain my stomach rumbles; reminding me of breakfast. All thoughts of fish are lost, I remember I hate Hemingway, and suddenly I am young again.

Opportunities come and go; I will still fish. I yearn for the fish I didn’t snag, treasure the ones I did. No matter how old I get, I will always put out to sea and I will always, I repeat always hate Hemingway.

What would you do for 9 billion dollars a year? Actually a better question would be what wouldn’t you do for 9 billion dollars a year? Evidently the U.S. government can’t even bother to throw an additional 296 million dollars to the IRS to collect 9 billion in back taxes. Instead we are going to privatized tax collection and rake in a measly 1.4 billion dollars over the next 10. Its times like these that make we wonder if the Republican Party smokes crack or if they are American hating communists. Moronic is what I would pick; even more moronic is one of the companies listed in the news article, Linebarger Goggan Blair & Sampson, had a former partner arrested for bribery. Rather than hire sleazy lawyers I suggest that we hire the Mafia. At least the Mafia has more decency than a collection agency run by lawyers, and would probably charge less than the 24% collection fee; they would also be more efficient, its either the knees or the taxes.

In answer to my first questions, I would buy 9 billion dollars worth of asprin; the government, the tax code, and the soaring deficit gives me a massive headache.

Pandemonium and Chaos run rampant in the world and Dateline does a special on obesity; whoot! This “special” starts off by blaming the fast food industry because McDonald’s makes everyone fat. McDonald’s with its clever marketing and delicious food forces people to eat there, and because they neglect to offer healthy food everyone gets fat. Its this kind of crap that hurts America. McDonald’s doesn’t make people fat; people eating unhealthy food make themselves fat. So get up off the couch, stop watching that wretched Dateline special, and exercise. Then you to can gloat by not being fat You too can stop blaming industries that provide goods and services for your poor impulse control. You too can be a better American.

In other wacky news, there seems to be a conspiracy against beards. As a side note I really wish I could grow a full beard. For some reason the Napoleonic conquest of my face starts off well, but then my facial hair just gives up. The grand vision of a face dominated by a luscious beard fail like France’s bid to dominate Europe. Even more disturbing several people who have luscious beards have shaved them off. Beards are advancing like the French army; which is to the rear. Conquer that baby face and grow a beard if you can.